~SaintJimmy160

*George and Bobby walking to the car*
George: “I still can’t believe Angela died.”
Bobby: “Yeah. That- that is quite a shame..”
George: “Nice”
Bobby: “What? I didn’t know her.”
George: “Well, neither did I, but you don’t see me acting like death is as casual a thing as sex.”
Bobby: “Uh, I do recall you having a pretty long conversation with the woman at Josie’s New Years party last year.”
George: “Oh, what? That? That was one half-hour long conversation. And it wasn’t even a conversation. The most she ever said was “right” and “oh, well that’s true”. Even if you would consider that a conversation- it wasn’t long enough to deem either of us friends or even acquaintances. Plus going into a medium conversation like so with someone you know nothing about means you both are just two strangers trying to fill in the empty void of a party lacking any fun whatsoever. Therefore I did NOT know Angela.”
Bobby: “Where do you come up with these things?”
George: *angry grunt* “Well, why are you going if you didn’t know her either?”
Bobby: “Same reason as you. Free food, women, and I’m sure Josie doesn’t want to go alone.”
George: “Eh..”
Bobby: “..Sex is casual for you?”
George: “Alright, just get in the car, ya… “
*they both enter the car*
Bobby: *sniffs* “What’s that smell?”
George: “New car smell”
Bobby: “This? This is new? Looks like you stole it off one of those jail-house auction lots”
George: “HEY! You shouldn’t be telling me about my car! You haven’t owned a new car in all the years I’ve known you, or even ridden in one as far as I’m concerned.”
Bobby: “First of all- You don’t need to own a new car to know what they smell like. Second- You and I both rode passenger in my father’s new Honda last year on our trip to Cancoon”
George: “If you call that NEW. Smelled like goldbond foot powder”
Bobby: “HE’S AN OLD MAN. Old people tend to have a certain smell that resonates off of them. My father happens to smell like foot powder whereas your father smells like rotten apples”
George: “WHATEVA. No one drives Hondas anyway! They’re very unstable and they tend to flip!”
Bobby: “…Where have you heard that Honda’s—“
George: “ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! YOU WIN! Just SHUT UP ABOUT MY CAR, ALRIGHT?!”
Bobby: *sniffs* smells like.. moist dog..”
George: “ I happen to like the smell..”
Bobby: “Yeah, I guess..”
George: “alright so we’re picking up Josie?”
Bobby: “That would appear to be the plan”
George: “Why can’t she drive herself there? My car is cramped enough as it is.”
Bobby: “..You just argued with me about not talking badly about this car and now you’re pointing out it’s flaws?”
George: “Hey, Listen! I’m Not pointing out any flaws! No one ever said a cramped car was a bad car. And a man’s car is like his most private of parts. No one can comment on it but him unless they’re going to praise it to the highest of levels.”
Bobby: “His most private of—Wow.. I really need new friends..”
George: “What?”
Bobby: “N-Never mind. Let’s just go get Josie.”
*Bobby and George arrive at Josie’s house and she proceeds to enter the car*
Josie: *sighs* “Well hello”
Bobby: “You bummed?”
George: “Well of course she’s bummed. One of her closest friends just died.”
Josie: “What? Oh, right. No, it’s not that. I slept weird last night and now I have this kink in my neck.”
Bobby: “Who was the lucky guy?”
*George laughs*
Josie: “Oh, that’s real mature. I would say “your father” but just thinking about sleeping with a guy, an old one at that, that smells like Foot powder is enough to make me vomit for days”
*George gives Bobby the look like ‘SEE’*
Bobby: “How ‘bout we not talk about what our parents may or may not smell like and just proceed to this funeral?”
Josie: “So how’d she die, anyway?”
George: “Didn’t she slip on a banana peal on her way out of the coffee room at work?”
Bobby: “Well, that sure is animated if I ever heard it. That’s like something straight out of a Chuck Jones cartoon”
George: “Oh, come on- You hear about people slipping on banana peals all the time!”
Bobby: “hah. Where?”
George: “..There were some incidents..”
Bobby: “Well even if people do slip on banana peals- you never hear about it being fatal”
Josie: “Hey, That was one of my good friends you’re talking about here, you know!”
Bobby: “Chuck Jones?”
*George laughs*
Josie: “ANGELA!.. Anyway, I heard she was cleaning her pool, slipped on a little puddle of water and banged her head,”
Bobby: “Ooh. That’s never a good thing”
*awkward pause*
George: “So how did Chuck Jones die?”
Bobby: “I heard he slipped on a drawing of a banana peal”
*the three of them join in a laugh*
*making their way down the highway and coming up on a rest stop*
George: “What the hell is that?”
Josie: “it looks like.. A clown.”
Bobby: “And he’s laying on the sidewalk”
George: “No, no, I think he’s hurt”
Josie: “What do you think could have happened?”
*police officer walks by*
Bobby: “Hey, Officer!”
Officer: “yeah?”
Bobby: “What happened to that clown?”
Officer: “That’s not a clown. It’s a man in a clown suit. He slipped and fractured his skull.”
Josie: “Oh my god..”
George: “Well, what did he slip on?”
Officer: “It would appear that he slipped on a banana peal he was using during his juggling act. I’m afraid that will be his last show.”
*they all look at each other in amused disbelief*
*they then proceed onward to the funeral home*
*Bobby yawns*
Bobby: “I sure am tired.”
Josie: “Try being me. I wish I could be just tired. Instead I have to have achy joints every day.”
Bobby: “Why don’t you just buy a new mattress?”
Josie: “Because Dave bought it for me, and he’s practically in love with it. He always tells me how great he sleeps on it. Sometimes I think he only sleeps with me for the mattress.”
Bobby: “Well, just give him an ultimatum.”
Josie: “An ultimatum?”
Bobby: “Sure. Tell him you can’t stand the mattress, and it’s either It or you.”
Josie: “Hey, That might actually work.”
George: “Or YOU choose between HIM or the mattress.”
Bobby: “Why should she have to choose? She’s the one in pain.”
Josie: “Yeah, Why should I have to choose?”
George: “Because I’ve known you for many years now, Josie, and I know that whenever you give ultimatums, you get the boot.”
Bobby: “He has a point, you know.”
Josie: “That’s ridiculous. I could give the boot if I wanted.”
George: “Heh. No. You couldn’t.”
Bobby: “You are pretty spineless.”
Josie: “I AM NOT!”
Bobby: “What about when your boss was hitting on you for all those months and you didn’t do anything about it?”
George: “Or when you were at that sale and you grabbed that purse, but another woman claimed she had it first, so you let her take it, and you went home empty-handed?”
Josie: “Okay! Fine! You wanna see spine?! FINE. For the rest of the day I’m not talking to either of you!”
Bobby: “You’ll never keep that up.”
George: “Yeah, too many things annoy you for you to stay silent.”
Bobby: “Mhm.”
Josie: “Oh, you guys are just jerks!”
George: “I’m a jerk? Why don’t look at Bob over here. Thinks he’s some big shot who knows everything about cars!”
Bobby: “Alright let’s all just calm down. I’d like to go a full day without argument.”
Josie: “Good idea.”
George: “I suppose.”
Josie: “sniffs*.. Why does your car smell like moist dog?”
George: *looks over at bobby* “Shut up.”
*almost a half hour passes with none of them saying anything*
*they come up on a toll booth*
George: *looking for change in his pocket* “Does anyone have any change on them?”
Bobby: “You don’t keep change in your car for the tolls?”
George: “No.. Someone could steal it..”
Bobby: “I don’t think even the lowest of criminals would break into a car just for 3 dollars in change.”
George: “See, and that is why I pity you, my friend. So sure of yourself, and then one day -BAM- a hood-rat decides to bust open your car window and take all your hard-earned change! Well not me! No, Sir!”
Bobby: “You really are just a simple creature- aren’t you?”
Josie: “Shut up! The both of you! How much is the toll?”
George: “Seventy-Five cents.”
Josie: “I only have a dollar bill.”
George: “Gaahh”
Bobby: “Well, what do we do now?”
Josie: “We could just go home.”
George: “Oh no! We’re not going back now! We’ve gone too far and spent too much money on gas and snacks to quit now!“
Bobby: “What snacks? Do you mean the two pounds of nachos you made the clerk go into the back room for and heat up just for you?”
George: “WHO ONLY KEEPS A DOLLAR BILL ON THEM AND NO CHANGE? I’VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING!”
Josie: “HEY! YOU’RE the one who won’t keep change in your car in fear that some CHANGE GOBLINS are gonna SWING IN ON A ROPE and JUMP YOU for your CANDY MONEY!”
Bobby: “WILL YOU BOTH JUST KNOCK IT OFF?”
Josie: “It’s HIS fault!”
George: “ALRIGHT! Just let me think here!”
Toll Clerk: “Excuse me, but you’re holding up the other cars.”
George: “Hey Listen, buddy, Us having to pay the tolls pays your salary.”
Toll Clerk: “Not Really. If you don’t move your vehicle I’m going to have to call the police.”
Josie: “Well I know a Mr. grumpy toll clerk who’s in bad mood today..”
Bobby: “I’m sorry, Sir. We’ll be moving along. George, just go and pay the fine later.”
George: “Are you kidding?! Do you know how much that’ll cost me?!”
Bobby: “Well do you have a better idea?”
George: “Hm.. There was a gas station about a mile back. I can ask the cashier to give me change for Josie’s dollar.”
Josie: “I have to use the bathroom anyway, so let’s go.”
*they turn the car around and head for the gas station*
*another thirty minutes pass by as they make their way through traffic and finally pull up to the station*
George: “Alright, I’ll be right back”
Bobby: “Literally be right back. We only have an hour to get there before we look like a bunch of idiots who show up at a funeral late.”
*George enters the station store, and comes back out after ten minutes*
Bobby: “What the hell were you doing in there?”
George: “I had to argue with the damn Clerk over getting change. He made me buy a pack of gum.”
Bobby: “Let’s just get out of here. I’m getting nauseous from these gas fumes.”
Josie: “Or it could be how this car smells like moist dog”
George: “THAT’S ENOUGH! THE NEXT TIME ONE OF YOU INSULT THIS CAR I’M GOING TO FLIP US INTO A DITCH!”
Bobby: “How old are you again?”
George: “Shut up.. Talk about MY car.. You don’t even know..”
*as George mumbles angrily to himself they pull out of the station and drive off to the funeral*
*after an hour in the car they finally arrive at the funeral*
Bobby: *stretching* “Finally, we’re here. One more minute listening to that 80’s dance hits CD and I would have gone postal.”
Josie: “Yeah, remind me to never take a long car ride with George again..”
George: “You two need to lighten up a bit! Always such mood killers. If anything- I shouldn’t ride in the car with YOU! And I don’t think you’ll be worrying about that CD anymore since Josie took it upon herself to throw it out the window as we passed over that bridge!”
Josie: “Well, look at it this way, Georgy. It was either I throw the CD out the window, or I repeatedly slam your head into the dashboard.”
Bobby: “I think she went with the better option.”
George: “THAT CD COST ME TWENTY DOLLARS!”
Bobby: “George, I was with you when you bought that CD from a garage sale for 5 bucks.”
Josie: *laughing* “You bought an 80’s dance hits CD from a garage sale?”
Bobby: “And he had to haggle! It was originally 8 dollars!”
*Josie continues laughing*
George: “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT COST ME! YOU DON’T JUST GO THROWIN’ PEOPLE’S CDs OUT WINDOWS! AND YOU TWO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GOOD MUSIC! IF THE WORLD’S FATE DEPENDED ON ONE OF YOU HAVING TO CHOOSE A REALLY GREAT SONG- WE WOULD ALL BE DEAD!”
Bobby: “Right, because one day the fate of all humanity will rest on some b-list dance mix hits.”
*Josie continues laughing even harder*
George: “ALRIGHT! GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET HERE!”
Bobby: “Alright, alright. Let’s just calm down, and go in and get this over with, huh?”
Josie: *laughing* “Dance hits..”
*George looks at Josie angrily as they enter the funeral home*
Bobby: “My god. It smells so depressing in here.”
Josie: “You can smell depression?”
Bobby: “Well, sure. You see, usually people -predominately women, of course- wear perfume at most social events, and at sad events such as these people are mostly crying which also makes them sweat. Not to mention the fact that when people are sad- they eat, and forgetting they’re going to a quiet funeral right after they eat, they’re going to realize it as they sit here in this silent room filled with people sobbing, and try not to belt out some gas and disrupt everyone, so they hold it in which can also tend to make you nervous and sweat. People sometimes figure this out and decide to wear lots of deodorant. It’s only common sense that the sweat, deodorant, and perfume are all going to join forces after a while as they are sitting around for an hour in a room with bright florescent lights on them. Plus most funeral homes smell.. Bad.”
George: “What do the florescent lights have to do with it?”
Bobby: “Florescent lights are very bright, and tend to make people nervous. Makes them feel like they’re back in detention in middle school. When people get nervous they sweat.”
Josie: “So I suppose you have some kind of immunity to all this?”
Bobby: “I’m not the type of person that’s saddened at funerals. I look at it more like the person finally got out of this hell we call our lives. Makes me feel better. Especially when I didn’t even know the person. In that case I just feel like I’m at a get-together with friends.”
Josie: “You really are a sadist.”
*Bobby shrugs*
George: “Yeah, well I’m startin’ to get a little nervous here.”
Josie: “Why’s that?”
George: “Billy Johanson is here.”
Bobby: “What? *looking around* Where?”
Josie: “You mean ‘Big Billy’ the dentist?”
George: “Yeah, he’s right over there next to the casket.”
Josie: “Oh, I hate that guy.”
Bobby: “What did he do to you?”
Josie: “It wasn’t really anything HUGE. Well, I mean, we were dating a while back, and I would usually go to visit him at his office when I was feeling a little.. You know.”
Bobby: “Feeling a little what?”
Josie: “You know… The uh… You know?”
George: “Am I the only person here who has no clue what you’re talking about?”
Bobby: “Yeah, I really have no idea either.”
Josie: “Idiots.. Okay, you know when two people have had a little too much wine and they haven’t BEEN WITH anyone in a while?”
Bobby: “Oh, right, right, right”
George: “..No..”
Bobby: “They had sex..”
George: “Oh…. OH.. Hehehe.”
Josie: “Yeah.. Anyway.. So we kind of got a little tipsy and eventually just did the deed.”
Bobby: “Wow. Right there in his office?”
Josie: “Yup. And after about twenty minutes I blacked out. I think he slipped something in the wine.”
George: “If I had a nickel for every time I heard that..”
Josie: “I think you wouldn’t be very rich.”
Bobby: “Just go on with the story.”
Josie: “Well, I awoke in the chair all disoriented and confused. I asked him what happened, but he immediately shoo’d me out.”
Bobby: “Did he really?”
Josie: “Yes!”
Bobby: “What a jerk.”
Josie: “I know! *sighs* Well about 3 days passed by without hearing from him, when I started getting looks from men everywhere I went.”
George: “You always get looks from men.”
Josie: “But those looks are like ‘Hey, baby. Let’s go get some dinner’. These looks were more ‘Hey, baby. You into whips and chains?’”
Bobby: “So did you find out why he stopped calling?”
Josie: “Turned out he was using me for his sick little fetish site.”
George: “Fetish site?”
Josie: “Oh, I’m surprised you don’t know what that is. Anyway, He took pictures of me naked in various poses on his dental chair..”
Bobby: “Oh my god. Are you serious?”
Josie: “Honest to god.”
Bobby: “Well, couldn’t you have sued him?”
Josie: “He tricked me into signing what I thought was an insurance form. It was really an agreement to let him do whatever he needed of me. I must have been drunk.”
Bobby: “You MUST have. In any case I don’t think what he did to me was as bad as what he did to you..”
Josie: “Well what was it? What scarring mark did he leave on your life?”
Bobby: “I went in for a routine check up, and I ended up leaving with two teeth being pulled.”
Josie: “What’s so bad about that?”
Bobby: “He moved his fingers around the inside of my mouth like no dentist ever had before. Should have known the man was a pervert by the way he practically molested my tongue.”
Josie: “Eh..”
George: “Big babies..”
Josie: “Oh what? You’ve had a more haunting encounter with the man?”
George: “Well if you must know- the man is a thief. “
Josie: “He robbed you?”
George: “More like burgled.”
Bobby: “Oh please. We were at this car show about 5 months ago and Billy was there. George bought a Snickers but didn’t feel like eating it right then, so he placed it down on the table with my coat. George and I walked away from the table for a minute to get something to drink, and when we came back the Snickers was gone.”
Josie: “So what does that have to do with Billy?”
George: “The man had chocolate on his fingers!”
Bobby: “George decided to be nonchalant about it and start screaming ‘I DON’T WANT TO ALARM ANYONE, BUT THERE IS A THIEF AMONGST YOU! HE HAS STOLEN SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT! I AM NOW GOING TO CHECK EVERYONE’S FINGERS FOR EVIDENCE!’”
Josie: “Why was it so important to you?”
George: “I hadn’t eaten lunch yet, and I was very hungry.”
Bobby: “So then why didn’t you just eat it when you bought it?”
George: “I was saving it! I don’t need to explain myself!”
Bobby: “Yeah, well you got us thrown out. Sixty dollars wasted because you’re candy bar crazy!”
George: “SHUT UP! ONE DAY I’M GOING TO PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT THAT MAN IS A THIEF!”
Josie: “Amongst other things..”
Bobby: “SSSHHH. BE QUIET. I don’t wanna get kicked out of a funeral, too!”
Josie: “I wonder how he knew Angela.”
George: “Maybe he was her dentist.”
Bobby: “I’ve never heard of a dentist going to a patient’s funeral, though. They must have been romantically linked or something.”
Josie: “Never know with Angela. She was always such a floozy.”
Bobby: “Mhm.”
George: “Sure was.”
Bobby: “Hey look. There’s a bowl of chocolates over there.”
George: “Wait, did you see that?”
Josie: “See what?”
George: “Billy’s stuffing the chocolates in his pockets. HAHA, I have you now! Excuse me. I have to go take care of some business.”
*George walks off to follow Billy*
Bobby: “We’re trying to get him help, but nothing has been successful.”
Josie: *laughing* “Ah.”
Bobby: “Oh look. Angela’s sister is waving at us.”
Josie: “God, she looks like a transvestite.”
Bobby: “And her hair. Looks like she’s hiding an un-born fetus under there.”
Josie: “Yeah. Let’s go say hi.”
*the ceremony comes almost to an end when..*
Bobby: “Do you hear that?”
*incoherent screaming coming from a back room*
Josie: “Yeah, it almost sounds like..”
George: *busting through the door* “SEE! I CAUGHT HIM RED HANDED. BIG BILLY JOHANSON IS A THIEF! HE HAS STOLEN THESE CHCOLATES!”
Funeral Guest: “What chocolates?”
George: “Here! These! The ones in my hand!”
Bobby: “Oh, this look good..”
Josie: “Why are we friends with the man?”
George: “I CAN PROVE IT! LOOK! *pulling Billy over to him* THIS MAN HAS CHOCOLATE ON HIS HANDS!”
Funeral Guest: “The only person I see with chocolate on his hands is YOU.”
George: “BUT.. HE… *looks over at Billy* YOU STOLE MY SNICKERS BAR 5 MONTHS AGO AT THAT CAR SHOW!”
Billy: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen this man before in my life.”
George: “LIAR! YOU ARE A LIAR, A THIEF, AND A PERVERT! I BET YOU KILLED ANGELA!”
*everyone gasps*
Billy: “Maybe you should just calm down here, buddy. It’s just chocolate. Looks like you’ve had too much already.”
*George tackles Billy and accidentally knocks the casket over*
*Two bigger men pick George up and proceed to carry him out the door*
George: “THAT MAN IS INSANE! HE SHOULD BE LOCKED UP! SNICKERS! HE STOLE MY SNICKERS! NO!”
Bobby: “I think it’s time to go.”
Josie: “Yeah, That would be a good idea.”
*the two leave the funeral home to find George on the ground outside*
Bobby: *sighs* “Why must to make a mockery of yourself wherever you go?”
George: “That man is a thief! People like him should be paraded through the town in a gibbet!”
Josie: “Right. People like him. What a fool..”
George: “SHUT UP!”
Bobby: *looking around* “Where’s the car?”
George: “I think it was towed.”
Josie: “You’re kidding me..”
Bobby: “Well why? How are we gonna get home?”
George: “I guess I didn’t notice that I parked in front of this hydrant here. We’ll either have to hitchhike or ask someone inside for a ride.”
Bobby: “After that display of valor I doubt anyone in there will be willing to let YOU in their car with them.”
Josie: “Oh, well this is just GREAT!”
Bobby: “Alright, I don’t think any of us want to get a ride with a stranger. I’ll just call Mike.”
*Bobby calls Mike. After almost an hour and a half of waiting- He arrives and they get in the car*
Mike: “Hey.”
Bobby: “I was starting to think you would never get here.”
Mike: “Sorry, but you caught me as I was cutting coupons.”
Josie: “Eh. I just want this day to be over with.”
George: “Amen.”
Bobby: “I’d like to just get home, have some cereal, and go to bed.”
Mike: *as he’s putting a CD into the stereo* “That sounds like fun.”
*dance music starts playing and Mike dances along with it*
*Josie looks at Bobby in horror*
Bobby: “Mike.. What is this, and where did you get it?”
Mike: “What? Oh, I found it on the road on my way here. Can you believe some idiot tried to get rid of this? These are CLASSICS!” *laughing*
*Josie and Bobby look at George in Agony and Disgust*